The 10D10 Interview Challenge

#11 – Brian Parker – author and narcoleptic

You guess which one of these badasses is Brian.

I met Brian on Facebook several years ago back when he was releasing his first book. He and I instantly hit it off, as we had the same parole officer at the time. He of course was fresh off a stint at Rikers for stealing gerbil food from some condos in the San Antonio area. But, we’ve both changed over time. He’s now a successful writer, still serves in the Army doing some kind of weird, important shit he doesn’t like to talk about, and I’ve gained a lot of weight. Fun!

On the real, he’s a great writer, and I’ve enjoyed a few of his books.

Brian volunteered to do an interview, so I rolled some dice for his ass. His rolls were the following: 3, 2, 6, 10, 8, 7, 4, 1, 7, 5

And here were his answers to those questions…

1. What’s a food that people eat that you just can’t figure why the hell they eat it?

A: Tofu. Especially meat-flavored tofu. If a person doesn’t eat meat for religious, cultural, dietary, or whatever reason, why, why! would they ever want it to taste like something they either are not allowed to have or the thought of doing so disgusts them? They don’t go around making kale-flavored steak. You know why? Because kale is nasty and meat is awesome!

You know I don’t get that either. Like, if you hate meat ethically, why would you want to eat something that tastes like meat? Now, if you don’t want to eat meat for health reasons, or can’t, or whatever, and you still like the taste of meat… Now that I get. To be fair, I’m married to an ethical vegetarian who doesn’t eat anything meat-flavored, and actually makes fucking great tofu. She knows how to cook it, and I like it. It isn’t going to beat out a steak any day of the week, but when she makes it, I eat it and enjoy it.

2. What made you decide to ruin your self-esteem and embark on the path of being a writer?

A: I had an overabundance of self-esteem before writing. Seriously, like so much that I was outshining all of my peers and needed to be brought down a notch or two. Cue: writing for other people to read! I’m still way too confident for my own good, but looking at my monthly sales statements usually give me a temporary relief from all the oppressive winning.

Yeah.. the gut check of royalty statements. No bueno, as often as not. And as for struggling with confidence, hey… at least you got an overabundance of it. Could be worse, and be afraid to do anything due to crippling lack of self-esteem. Think the Army did that for you, or was it your allegedly ‘giant’ wang?

Inquiring minds want to know.

3. What’s your favorite classic movie? Something at least 50 years old, give or take? Bonus points if it’s black and white. More bonus points if you’re old enough to have seen it in the theater.

A: Hmm… While it’s about a decade younger than 50, probably Ghost Busters or Spies Like Us – classic Dan Akroyd; Bill Murray, and Chevy Chase… Oh! What about Fletch! That was a great one.  Basically, I like 80s and 90s comedies.

Fuck. Yes. I was raised on this generation of comedy. That and Hee Haw on Sundays because my parents were into country music. I saw half of the movies from this decade in the cheap theater with my dad on matinees. Wow.. such nostalgia. I’ll forgive that you didn’t follow the instructions correctly, but I’m making a note on my report card.

4. Pets? Do you have them? What’s the best thing about each of them?

A: I have 2 dogs. We were supposed to get 1 dog, but they were the last 2 of the litter and the kids couldn’t bear to see one of them left alone…cue two dogs. The best thing about them is when they shut the hell up. They’re miniature poodles; extremely annoying yappers, but they’re cute.

Miniature poodles are essentially just house alarms that you need to feed and clean up after. One of my sisters has had one for like, 40 years, and I swear all it ever did to anyone but her was bark and yip. I’m sure once everyone left her house it was a good pet but man… Gets old being barked at for hours on end. Sweet job on the succumbing to child-sourced peer pressure.

5. Overpopulation of the world is a big problem. We’re running out of food, water, oil, and other things like clean underwear. What can we do to sustain human life for longer?

A: We need to nuke it from orbit to be sure. Wait, are we talking about your underwear or humanity? I got confused there for a moment.

It does get a little fuzzy once you get into the deep water on this subject. As far as nuking it from orbit, yes, most days my underwear is just a few moments away from being considered either a crime scene, or an environmental disaster.

6. If you could meet anyone alive on Earth, who would it be, and why would they get an immediate restraining order against you? Or, what would you talk about?

A: I’m pretty humble, could give a shit about anyone in Hollywood or sports guys. I don’t think I want to meet anyone in particular. I can’t remember the quote now and I’m too lazy to Google it right now, but there’s something about don’t ever meet your heroes because they’ll always disappoint you.  Restraining order would be because people can’t take a damn joke and get their feelings hurt. There is something funny in just about any situation…but I’ve been called a massive asshole by more than one person before, so there’s that..

So rather than list off someone you think it’d be cool to meet, you essentially call yourself an asshole? You know, this is why I like you. Confident, wise, and very self aware.

7. You’re all alone for a quiet evening… After you watch some… television, what do you settle in to do?

A: Drink. I mean, come on. An evening to myself at home to have a glass of scotch without the kids running around, yelling or fighting (or me having to yell at them) would be heaven. Oh shit, I forgot about the damn dogs. Well, there goes that idea of a quiet evening.

I… don’t remember a time where I wasn’t being interrupted by a kid anymore. Nor do I remember a time where I wasn’t constantly course-correcting my eldest from ruining something, or trying to kill herself. At least our dog is quiet, and our liquor cabinet well stocked.

8. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what my favorite book was, I could retire. How many times have you been asked that same frigging question?

A: All the time. I don’t think I could retire on it, but I’d at least be able to go on a bomb-ass vacation and maybe buy a small island. Away from everyone (See question #7).

Man, I’d kill to own an island in a warm to temperate region. Not too goddamn hot though. I sweat peeling an orange, so I’d need a cooler portion of the year to recuperate. I’d also need a boat.

9. If you were to find a genie that granted wishes in a lamp, what would your three wishes be? And don’t be lame, and wish for more wishes. Let’s talk quality over quantity.

A: Um, hello? Quantity has a quality all of its own. Ask any Korean or Vietnam War vet…  Let’s see, what would I wish for?  Health, wealth, and unlimited tacos. Not those crunchy asshole tacos that shatter and get all over my lap either. Street tacos with real Mexican cheese. Seriously, best cheese I’ve ever had was in Juarez from a taco shop. I went around the corner and crouched down, ate them like a homeless guy. So good.

Dude… street tacos are the best thing, ever. During my travels to Texas, if I couldn’t find decent street Mexican, I settled for food trucks, as they’re the next best thing. 

10. Sometimes we write in genres that have a bad rap. Zombies are dead, vampires are lame, faeries are stupid, the apocalypse is never coming, romance is dead, whatever. How would you tell someone who doesn’t read what you’ve wrote that you’re worth giving a try?

A: Fuck you. I do what I want. Take it or leave it. Don’t wanna read it, cool, bro. Oh yeah, remember my comment that I come off as abrasive, well there it is.

Is that like, your marketing strategy? Seems kinda controversial, like… I think you WANT to convince people to read your shit, not send them away with their tail between their legs… But then again, maybe you’re into seeing people walk away with a tail? I don’t judge. I’m sure you’re still struggling with all you’ve had to endure being in the Army, and having kids, and two yippy miniature poodles.

Stay strong, brother. Stay strong.

Thanks Brian!

Brian Parker is an Active Duty US Army soldier and multi-genre author who is both self- and traditionally-published. He’s written zombie books, post-apocalyptic/dystopian novels, paranormal and military fiction and even a children’s picture book. Currently, he has seventeen full-length novels, three anthologies, and several short stories available and plans to release his eighteenth novel in the next few months.
Check out his books here on Amazon!

Follow him on Facebook! www.facebook.com/BrianParkerAuthor