The 10D10 Interview Challenge

#7 – Jay Wilburn, author, kidney thief

Jay Wilburn is one of those people who when you see them in person for the second time, you’re like, “Aww, not again.” I mean Jay’s wife is the NICEST, but Jay kinda smells like the floor mats in the family minivan during mud season, and he just goes ON AND ON about running half marathons, and his spare kidney. Jay also was kind enough to write a short story for the AUD anthology Only the Light We Make. His story was about a kid who got stuck in a warehouse filled with hemorrhoid donuts.

I’m not kidding. And, it was good.

Anyway, the dude has kids to feed, so I figured, let’s do an interview with him.

Jay’s rolls for the interview were: 8, 4, 7, 3, 10, 2, 3, 6, 8, 9

Here we go;

1. Coffee is the best of all beverages: prove me wrong or agree.

It is so difficult to address drug addicts about their problem. *puts up intervention banner* I’ve never understood people who essential give themselves a hot, bitter, often expensive laxative every morning right before they go to work and start their day. I drink water because I have three kidneys to support. I will speak well of you after you are gone, as your corpse is still twitching from the caffeine.

I don’t think you really read the question, Jay. I also feel a little attacked by your answer, man. As soon as these shakes die down, you and I are gonna have some heated words over my fourteenth cup of coffee. Also, I should poop first.

2. When you read your positive reviews on Amazon or Goodreads, do you touch yourself?

Damn, this is going to be that kind of interview. More often, I stare for a moment and then reread the story to try to figure out what they see in it. When I read a bad review, I think … oh, yeah, I know, right? That is exactly what’s wrong with this story.

I get that, that confirmation when someone finds the issues you had with it after you published it. Good times, all that doubt and loathing. Also, thank you for reading the question, and answering it appropriately.

3. What was the first movie you saw in the theater, and what did you think?

I believe it was E.T. and I my thought was why doesn’t something cool like an alien invasion ever happen to me.

I saw ET in the theater as well. At the time we had some aliens living in the basement, and thought it was actually just a drama based on a kid who had a life just like mine.

4. What’s the secret to playing Monopoly with a loved one, and retaining that relationship after all the rent is paid?

Same with a sketchy date. Have someone call you with a fake emergency before the game is over and then run out the door. Go relax with a hot cup of bitter laxative farmed by slave labor in countries plagued by cartels and failing governments to the sound of mid-2000’s pop-folk-electronic fusion and work on your screenplay.

Dude, relax on the coffee hate, it’s no bueno. Besides, we grow coffee right here in America! Ever heard of Kona coffee? Grown in Hawaii? Wait… wait. America is kinda plagued by political cartels, and a failing government.. so maybe you’re a little right.

Still kind of a dick, though.

5. Which would you rather do; have a nice cookout on a summer afternoon or dip your junk in the water?

I have been medically excused from participation in social activities, recreation, and democracy. I pass on all choices. I believe in God, but I’m a social-recreational agnostic.

Hippie.

6. What’s your current work in progress, and why is it taking so long to finish?

I have multiple works in progress because I am a fool. That answers the second part. I just released Vampire Christ. That is a horror satire of politics, religion, and current events. I’m working on releasing several Lake Scatter Wood Tales. These are Goose Bumps style stories for younger and struggling readers. I’m also finishing up a biography of a man who grew up as the son of a bootlegger cop in Appalachia-Kentucky and struggled to make good. I’m excited about that one because it will be my first real nonfiction release. That one is called How to Make No Friends Everywhere: And Other Stories from the Road.

That last one sounds like the hotness. Is it autobiographical? I feel like the title just SCREAMS ‘I”m Jay Wilburn.’ I could be wrong. And that kid’s book sounds awesome! You’ve got the humor, and the style to make that a real success.

7. Are you a sports person? Were you, at least, before the crushing weight of adulthood ruined all that you loved? What sports did you like to play, or watch?

My dad was a baseball fan while I was growing up in Atlanta, so I got to watch the Braves when they were consistent losers. He’s dead now, so I stopped watching baseball.

Since my kidney transplant, I have started exercising more. The average prognosis of a live donor kidney is 13 years. That gives me about a decade left. I remember what kidney failure feels like, so I ride a bike a couple days a week. I’m also running a lot. My ultimate running goal in a double marathon 52.4 miles. I’m up to 20 miles now and building. I also cut out hot laxatives from my diet.

Annnnd we’re back to the three kidneys nonsense. Jay. Jay. A hotel bathtub and a steak knife is not a ‘transplant.’ Get real, brother.

Annnnd we’re back to the marathons thing.

Annnnnd we’re back to shitting on coffee.

Full circle.

8. Best villain you ever read, and what was it about that antagonist that resonated with you so strongly?

Gollum. He’s interesting, troubled, tragic, motivated, and feared despite his weakness. Owns an island, but isn’t flashy. Travels to exotic places. He drank lots of water and only ate organic and free range goblins. He never supported oppression by drinking hot laxatives laced with stimulants pushed by giant corporations feeding on the brand of social responsibility. Really living his best life.

Gollum really is the tits. Tried to do good, wear nice jewelry, eat healthy fish, and then blam! Little hobbits show up, and throw a monkey wrench into everything. You ever stop and wonder if Starbucks was inspired by Sauron?

Food for thought, as I DRINK MY HOMEMADE MAPLE-ALMOND ICED COFFEE.

Suck it Wilburn.

9. If you could live in any setting based on a science fiction universe, what setting would that be, and why? What about it makes you want to live there?

On one season of the TV show Sliders, they landed in this one universe I always thought would be cool to visit because it is so far-fetched. Trump runs against Bill Clinton’s wife and wins with help from Russian robots. In that universe, there was only one season of Firefly, but America’s Funniest Videos was on like 40 seasons. Playboy stopped showing nudes, Keifer Southerland had a country album, and you can call strangers with your Star Trek communicator to come pick you up in their cars. And then watch all the porn while you are waiting. Betty White and Captain Sulu are the greatest philosophers of our time and Bill Cosby went to jail. North Korea signs a peace treaty with South Korea. Neo Nazi’s march on Washington and have to fight Juggalos. It’s crazy, but I just have to see what it would be like to live there. Can you imagine?

Sliders, you say? Such a great imagination to come up with such an outlandish scenario for the American future. I’ll have to look it up on the Netflix.

10. What celebrities have you had the chance to actually talk to, and did the experience live up to the expectation?

I sat and talked with Governor/ Talk Show Host/ Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee at an event at a youth center fundraiser in South Carolina. I wasn’t expecting much. I got a picture with him, so I can throw that up on social media randomly as a nonsequitur. We mostly talked about the logistics of filming a talk show and how he spends as little time in New York as possible.

Kim Coates from Sons of Anarchy took my phone and made fun of me one year at Scares That Care. That was pretty awesome.

To be fair, many people take your phone and make fun of you at Scares that Care. You have ‘victim’ written all over you when your wife isn’t nearby to protect you.

 

Thanks Jay! This one was awesome.

Up next week: Patrick Freivald

 

Jay Wilburn is the author of the Dead Song Legend series, Vampire Christ, the Lake Scatter Wood Tales for younger readers, and many other great books. He is the host of the Matters of Faith Podcast and he is the Splatterpunk Award nominated author of “Seersucker Motherfucker” found in his short story collection Beautiful Darkness, only available at JayWilburn.com his website. He also had a story in Best Horror of the Year volume 5. Jay Wilburn has three kidneys because he stole one, and now he is working toward running a double marathon. Follow him at JayWilburn.com, @AmongTheZombies on Twitter and Instagram, and on Patreon at Patreon.com/JayWilburn because he is worth it.

Check out his books here on Amazon!